Fighting Well
Conflict in relationships is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to be destructive. Whether you’re navigating a disagreement in a serious dating or married relationship, learning how to handle conflicts well can strengthen your bond and foster emotional growth. In this post, Nicole Parker, MA, LPC suggests small changes that can make a big difference next time you and your loved one feel the tensions rise.
Being in a serious dating or married relationship can be incredibly beautiful. To have a life partner that you can both laugh with and process pain with is a gift. It offers countless opportunities to learn how to love well and to be loved. It can also include conflict, heartache, feeling misunderstood or wronged. It can mean bitterly cold silent evenings – or maybe red-hot explosive evenings. You might not agree on whatever is happening in your fight, but you can probably agree that you’d rather not be fighting. Or at least that if you’re going to fight, you’d like to figure out how to do it better!
Since conflicts are inevitable in intimate relationships, we have to learn how to engage in them well. Rather than fights being something to win, or something to avoid, they can become avenues to learn more about your own heart, grow in forgiveness and ownership, as well as emotional maturity. Conflict, painful as it is, doesn’t have to destroy relationships. Done well, it can actually strengthen them.
. . .
Moving from the beginning of a conflict to its resolution, here are a few things to keep in mind the next time a conversation turns unexpectedly tense with your loved one. Perhaps, as you read through, consider what one thing you can focus and work on after reading this blog.
Notice Your Body
Learn the signs that your nervous system is ramping up and gearing for a fight. Does your heart start to race? Do you feel blood rushing to your face? Do thoughts start to become racing and full of hurt or rage? If any of this is happening, it’s time to take a deep breath and wait at least ten seconds before saying anything. Even just these short ten seconds and deep breaths are messages to your brain to calm your body back down. When your nervous system is ramped up, you can’t think as well. When you’re not thinking clearly, you’re likely to say or do something you’ll later regret.
If ten seconds aren’t enough, take a twenty-minute break. You will have a more productive conversation if your body is calm.
Soft and Slow
During the conflict, remind yourself to speak softly and slowly. The faster and louder conversations get, typically the less productive and helpful. Think about a time someone has raised their voice at you. Were you able to think about what they were saying and process their point of view or were you just overwhelmed with the fact that their voice was raised? If you and your partner can talk to each other in a soft and slow tone of voice, you’ve just increased your odds of getting to a resolution.
Agree Where You Can
Often couples get tripped up on facts of a conflict rather than the root of the conflict. For example, “That didn’t happen Tuesday, it was Wednesday!” or “I never said that.” Remember that the point of your conflict is not to agree on every little detail. The goal of conflict resolution is not to emerge the victorious winner with the perfect memory. The goal of conflict resolution is to help your partner feel understood and for you to feel understood so you can agree on a solution together. So, look to agree where you can rather than fighting the little things. Stay focused on what you’re actually fighting about.
Resist the Urge to Defend Yourself
It’s hardwired in us to want justice, and when we feel we have been wronged or misjudged, we want to defend. Typically, however, the moment we start defending ourselves is the same moment our partner feels like we didn’t hear a word that just came out of their mouths. Rather than sharing why you’re not in the wrong, reflect back to your loved one what you heard them say. Express to them that you care about what they’re saying. Then later, as the conversation allows, share your own feelings.
Share Your Experience and Your Feelings
Notice the difference between the following statements –
“You never take out the trash even though you promised to, and I’m tired of it. I’m always the one cleaning up around here.”
“Hey, I noticed the trash wasn’t taken out last night. I know it’s not your intention, but when that happens, I feel neglected. I also know you want a clean home to be a priority too, so can we talk about that?”
Rather than reminding your partner of what they didn’t do, or using “always/never” statements, prioritize sharing how you felt. Use actual emotion words. Then make the focus what you’d like done differently in the future, rather than focusing on the past. Remember that you’re a team – and remember that neither of you are perfect.
Process and Return
Some conflicts are a quick, “one and done.” Others are more serious and require more attention. It can be easy to want to avoid those ones, because they feel like minefields, but it’s deeply important to address issues so they heal well.
When you have a more serious conflict, take time afterwards to process it. Be honest with yourself about your role in the conflict and how you might have contributed to it. Share your hurt with God first rather than demanding that your spouse or partner heal your hurt.
When you’ve processed it, return to your partner and start with how you contributed to the conflict. Own your part. It’s a humble, hard, and worthy thing to lead out in this area. We’re not able to change how our loved one is acting, but we are able to work on ourselves, and this is powerful.
. . .
As a reminder, I’d encourage you to pick one point you’d like to work on. Write it down and come back to it in a couple weeks to see how you’re doing as a way to help keep yourself accountable.
Conflict can often be painful, but it doesn’t have to be destructive. If you’re married or in a serious dating relationship and struggle to communicate, consider couples therapy. I’d be delighted to work with you and help your relationship heal, grow, and be tended to. If you are interested in signing up for a session with me or another therapist, please contact our office.
Since conflicts are inevitable in intimate relationships, we have to learn how to engage in them well. Rather than fights being something to win, or something to avoid, they can become avenues to learn more about your own heart, grow in forgiveness and ownership, as well as emotional maturity. Conflict, painful as it is, doesn’t have to destroy relationships. Done well, it can actually strengthen them.
. . .
Moving from the beginning of a conflict to its resolution, here are a few things to keep in mind the next time a conversation turns unexpectedly tense with your loved one. Perhaps, as you read through, consider what one thing you can focus and work on after reading this blog.
Notice Your Body
Learn the signs that your nervous system is ramping up and gearing for a fight. Does your heart start to race? Do you feel blood rushing to your face? Do thoughts start to become racing and full of hurt or rage? If any of this is happening, it’s time to take a deep breath and wait at least ten seconds before saying anything. Even just these short ten seconds and deep breaths are messages to your brain to calm your body back down. When your nervous system is ramped up, you can’t think as well. When you’re not thinking clearly, you’re likely to say or do something you’ll later regret.
If ten seconds aren’t enough, take a twenty-minute break. You will have a more productive conversation if your body is calm.
Soft and Slow
During the conflict, remind yourself to speak softly and slowly. The faster and louder conversations get, typically the less productive and helpful. Think about a time someone has raised their voice at you. Were you able to think about what they were saying and process their point of view or were you just overwhelmed with the fact that their voice was raised? If you and your partner can talk to each other in a soft and slow tone of voice, you’ve just increased your odds of getting to a resolution.
Agree Where You Can
Often couples get tripped up on facts of a conflict rather than the root of the conflict. For example, “That didn’t happen Tuesday, it was Wednesday!” or “I never said that.” Remember that the point of your conflict is not to agree on every little detail. The goal of conflict resolution is not to emerge the victorious winner with the perfect memory. The goal of conflict resolution is to help your partner feel understood and for you to feel understood so you can agree on a solution together. So, look to agree where you can rather than fighting the little things. Stay focused on what you’re actually fighting about.
Resist the Urge to Defend Yourself
It’s hardwired in us to want justice, and when we feel we have been wronged or misjudged, we want to defend. Typically, however, the moment we start defending ourselves is the same moment our partner feels like we didn’t hear a word that just came out of their mouths. Rather than sharing why you’re not in the wrong, reflect back to your loved one what you heard them say. Express to them that you care about what they’re saying. Then later, as the conversation allows, share your own feelings.
Share Your Experience and Your Feelings
Notice the difference between the following statements –
“You never take out the trash even though you promised to, and I’m tired of it. I’m always the one cleaning up around here.”
“Hey, I noticed the trash wasn’t taken out last night. I know it’s not your intention, but when that happens, I feel neglected. I also know you want a clean home to be a priority too, so can we talk about that?”
Rather than reminding your partner of what they didn’t do, or using “always/never” statements, prioritize sharing how you felt. Use actual emotion words. Then make the focus what you’d like done differently in the future, rather than focusing on the past. Remember that you’re a team – and remember that neither of you are perfect.
Process and Return
Some conflicts are a quick, “one and done.” Others are more serious and require more attention. It can be easy to want to avoid those ones, because they feel like minefields, but it’s deeply important to address issues so they heal well.
When you have a more serious conflict, take time afterwards to process it. Be honest with yourself about your role in the conflict and how you might have contributed to it. Share your hurt with God first rather than demanding that your spouse or partner heal your hurt.
When you’ve processed it, return to your partner and start with how you contributed to the conflict. Own your part. It’s a humble, hard, and worthy thing to lead out in this area. We’re not able to change how our loved one is acting, but we are able to work on ourselves, and this is powerful.
. . .
As a reminder, I’d encourage you to pick one point you’d like to work on. Write it down and come back to it in a couple weeks to see how you’re doing as a way to help keep yourself accountable.
Conflict can often be painful, but it doesn’t have to be destructive. If you’re married or in a serious dating relationship and struggle to communicate, consider couples therapy. I’d be delighted to work with you and help your relationship heal, grow, and be tended to. If you are interested in signing up for a session with me or another therapist, please contact our office.
Nicole specializes in treating couples with relationship concerns, and adults and teenagers who struggle with anxiety, trauma, abuse, self-harm, self-esteem, depression, and grief.
Nicole uses an eclectic and creative approach to therapy, blending Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Brainspotting Therapy with more expressive forms of therapy, such as art therapy and walking outdoor sessions. By offering multiple therapeutic mediums of professional counseling services, Nicole aims to help clients reach their goals by understanding and meeting each person's individual needs.
Nicole uses an eclectic and creative approach to therapy, blending Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Brainspotting Therapy with more expressive forms of therapy, such as art therapy and walking outdoor sessions. By offering multiple therapeutic mediums of professional counseling services, Nicole aims to help clients reach their goals by understanding and meeting each person's individual needs.
For specific questions email Nicole at nicole@abundantlifecounseling.com.
Posted in Blogs by Nicole