Hidden and Held: Reflections on Faith, Hope, and Peace through Suffering

Suffering will come to us all, it’s just a matter of time. I certainly have not cornered the market on suffering. In fact, while writing this blog, I’ve struggled with a sense of unworthiness. Who am I to speak about this disease when my journey has been so much easier than others’? I can only hope that somehow as I share my story, the Great Comforter can comfort those whose journey I have not walked and whose suffering I do not comprehend.

I had the privilege of birthing our four children naturally, and you can learn a lot about suffering from childbirth. And about the Kingdom, for that matter. Scripture speaks of it often. Anticipating a birth without pain meds, I educated myself as much as possible, and one of the things that was particularly helpful was to read about what was going to happen within my body and the purpose of the pain. That big ole bag of muscles inside my womb would be contracting with increasing intensity and pain. However, that pain would be a signal that those muscles were doing their work, pushing that little one out of me. And believe me, by the end of nine months, I was ready to have that little one out of me!

Knowing what to expect and understanding that there was a purpose in the pain helped me not to be afraid when the pain began. It also helped me respond more effectively to the pain. During childbirth, our muscles work more effectively if we don’t tense up. Tensing up and bracing ourselves for what is happening or about to happen is a natural pain response. Yet that tension actually works against what our muscles are trying to accomplish. In the end, it makes their work less efficient, lengthening the intensity and duration of the labor process. It is much more helpful to channel the energy we feel in response to the pain in a different direction. For my first childbirth, that meant channeling my energy into holding onto Kerry‘s arm and squeezing the heck out of it every time the contractions came while I tried to relax the rest of my body. (Sidenote: by subsequent childbirths, I had squeezy balls instead – an improvement for which Kerry was immensely grateful!)

During times of suffering, our immediate response may be to tense up, to become angry at God, deciding He can’t be trusted and trying to protect ourselves, expending our energy trying to sort things out on our own. I propose that that response only serves to make the suffering more intense. If we can come to the place of yielding to the pain the Lord has allowed and invite Him to do the work in, through, and for us, the process will be easier. Of course, turning to Him and yielding rather than trying to protect ourselves requires a great deal of trust. Trust in the One who is allowing this pain into our lives. That can be very difficult. Thankfully, as I entered this breast cancer journey, I entered with many years of suffering behind me. I had had plenty of opportunities to build trust. Each battle had been preparation for the next, and I was grateful to enter this journey with other times of suffering to learn from, and with much trust developed over time.

When the reality of my situation became clear, however, I knew that, even with such a firm foundation, this battle was too big for me to fight alone. I sprang into action and reached out to faithful prayer warriors, people I knew had a strong connection with the Lord that cared about me and would commit to praying for me. Like Aaron and Hur who held up Moses’ hands during battle (Exodus 17:10-13), I knew the prayers of my prayer warriors would help me win this battle. That was certainly the case. The Divine response to prayers offered on my behalf was swift and palpable. Almost immediately, a dear friend and prophetic intercessor emailed me a powerful message from the Lord. That message gave me vision and courage and hope for what lay before me, in spite of the unknowns, and I printed it off and reviewed it frequently. She also drove three hours to come lay hands on me and pray for my healing. Her visit was a beautiful time together that left me invigorated, peaceful, and hopeful in spite of the unknowns.

Within days, a dear friend of Kerry’s (now my friend too!), a two time breast cancer survivor / thriver herself, asked if she could take us out to dinner. Having walked the road (twice!), she knew precisely how to care well for us. Her sensitive, gentle, and optimistic spirit, along with her experience and wisdom, was exactly what we needed. She urged me to reach out to the folks at the Breast Cancer Resource Center (a free resource for any breast cancer warrior), and gave practical suggestions about how to proceed in the days and weeks ahead. Providentially, she also inquired about the details of my diagnosis and my experience so far with my medical team. It became evident during our conversation that a transition in care to her team of doctors would be best, and she graciously offered to reach out to them on my behalf to clear the way for my phone calls. By noon the next day, I had a new medical team. I was so grateful for God’s timing and orchestration of events, and for the highly skilled physicians He provided to care for me.

Those early days were the hardest, because there were still so many unknowns. Was it genetic? (In which case a mastectomy of both breasts might be the recommended course). Had it spread elsewhere in my body? How many lymph nodes would be taken? Would I have to do chemo and radiation?  There were many other questions as well. And of course, that question every girl has that wants to be beautiful to her man, “What will I look like? Will he still be attracted to me?”

The strength offered to me through the prayers and care of others carried me through that season. When I shared the news with my precious congregation during our prayer time, they tenderly gathered around, laid hands on me, prayed over me, and then planned a day of prayer and fasting on my behalf to entreat the Lord for my healing. The many sweet texts, emails, flowers, and cards sent by my warriors were bright spots that made the days easier. It seemed that the timing of some of them were divinely orchestrated. The Lord seemed to put just the person in place that was best suited to minister to the need of the moment. And on days when it was more than I could bear, I would pray, “Lord, I’m really struggling. Can you prompt someone to pray for me right now, please?” Invariably, I’d get a text from one of my faithful warriors letting me know they were praying for me. My hands were being held up. The battle was being won.

Of course, chief among those that ministered to me and made life bearable during those early days was my husband. Can I just take a second to tell you about my precious hubby? Lemme tell ya, he was an absolute champ! Oh! How I do hope you’ll return next week to read his blog for husbands and learn from his wisdom! He seemed to know just what I needed. How to reassure me without blowing smoke. When I was particularly struggling and a sweet card might help. When there weren’t words, but the beauty of flowers could lift my spirits. And so much more during recovery! I couldn’t have asked for a sweeter provision.

As the results of more tests began to come in, we were encouraged. Prayers were being answered. The battle was being won on multiple fronts, not just in my heart, but also in my body. I could keep my left breast. There would be no chemo and no radiation, just the surgery and a pill for the next ten years. I felt as if I’d dodged a bullet! Relieved and grateful in spite of the loss we knew was coming, we prepared for the surgery.

My Breast Cancer Resource Center (BCRC) navigator and my nurse navigator from my surgeon’s office were immensely helpful in this regard. They helped me know what to expect during the upcoming journey, and how to prepare. As a medical professional, my nurse navigator could anticipate both my emotional and medical concerns, and as a cancer thriver who had helped many other women through this process, my BCRC navigator knew the practical side of what I was going through. She could offer an understanding ear and suggest resources available to me, things I might consider purchasing, and practical solutions to challenges I might anticipate. It calmed my fears to know what to expect, and as I approached my surgery, I felt more confident.

I distinctly remember sitting in my back yard during evenings leading to my surgery, listening to the bugs and feeling the breeze from the fan on my face as I sorted through the dozens of papers with prescription schedules and instructions for pre-op, the day of surgery, and the recovery process. As I tried to pull together everything I’d been instructed to do and create some sort of plan, I felt the Lord’s soothing, reassuring presence that hung in the air like the thick Texas heat. He was tabernacling with me. He had sheltered and guided Israel in her wilderness journey. He would do the same for me. We would do this together, He and I. I only needed to do my little part - to do what I’d been told to do, to place my hand in His, and then take the next step with Him.

In the days leading up to my surgery, I replayed my theme songs over and over to settle my spirit. This one and this one I’ve sung countless times through trials (I say "sing" loosely … mostly I just blubber my way through them crying like a baby), and this one was particularly calming to me during cancer as I prepared for surgery. The night before my surgery, we changed the sheets, set out my scheduled assortment of pills for the next day, and then Kerry helped me do my pre-surgical scrub. Finally, we laid hands on my breast, prayed, and said goodbye. Through the tears, I thanked the Lord for the life that breast had brought. It had brought life as it suckled my babies. It had brought life as it aroused pleasure in our marriage bed. And it had brought life as it signaled early in the course of this disease that something was attacking my body and my life was in danger. Had its bleeding not led to early detection, my story might have played out very differently. I so longed to keep it, but it had to give up its life in order for me to keep mine. Last minute texts from the warriors holding up my hands came in, and I felt covered.

We fell asleep and woke early in the morning. We repeated my scrub and set off for the hospital. It was time to do this. It was very scary to walk into the unknown, but as we listened to my theme songs en route and I sang along, I was calmed and reminded that the Lord had me, and He would carry me through this. We arrived at the hospital while it was still dark, and my skilled surgeons met me early. Their kind presence and last minute preparations and rehearsal of what to expect were comforting. There was nothing for me to do at this point except rest in the expert care that was being provided.

Though the surgery took longer than expected (a fact that unnerved my waiting husband), my surgeons were pleased with their work. There had been a 1mm margin between the cancerous tissue and my chest wall, but that was sufficient. I only lost one lymph node. And to my delight, the Lord had miraculously answered my prayers for sensation. Though the erotic part was gone, I began to feel my nerves firing and I could still feel heat, cold, and pressure, so my breast still felt like a part of my body. This was such a sweet God-kiss! The hardest part was over.

The days that followed were a time warp - both long and short, both life-giving and weary-ing. I had a drain that Kerry had to help me with. Each morning and evening, he stripped the drain and emptied the fluid, carefully measuring and recording the amount so my surgeons could determine when it could be safely removed. Most women have their drains a week or two. I had mine for six. That was hard, because there are unpleasant realities that go along with having a drain. Elevated and restrictive sleeping, care to avoid accidental tugging, and the overall “ick” factor for starters. There was also a high risk of infection, so the drain site had to be kept dry, which meant that Kerry had to help me with my showers as I held something over the drain site to protect it. I was weak and badly bruised, but his hands were gentle. I was so grateful for his strength when I had none. And though not a fun intimacy, shower times were intimate nonetheless.

There’s something so powerful about being in a helpless, vulnerable state, completely dependent, and having a gentle hand care for you. And he knew just how to do that. I remember one time in particular after my shower in the evening when I glanced inadvertently at the mirror and noticed my disfigured body in the reflection. Choking back the tears, I whimpered, “I don’t want to take a shower tomorrow.” “Well then don’t!” he quipped. “Let’s just watch funny movies all day!” And so we did. And it was exactly what I needed. Whether watching “sh*tcoms” with me (his label for romcoms because the sole value he sees in them is that they make me smile), taking me for scenic drives, sitting with me during office visits, calming me down and re-centering me when I started to fret over the slow pace of my healing, or just making me laugh, he was God’s gift to sustain me, and in the midst of suffering, a beautiful thing began to happen. We had more time together than we were used to, which paved the way for difficult conversations that tore down barriers that had been built between us. And as I sat next to him on the couch watching our nightly “sh*tcom,” or rode beside him on scenic drives, or felt his committed attention to my needs and tender care for my body, the gratitude and affection I felt for him brimmed to overflowing! I so enjoyed and looked forward to our time together and found myself more deeply in love with him than ever before! There was so much shared experience and so much more of an “us!” New life was being birthed into our relationship.

As the weeks stretched on, there continued to be a substantial amount of fluid, which was discouraging for both of us. Thankfully, we generally didn’t have bad days at once. When I was sad and weary of being so helpless with no end in sight, Kerry was in better spirits. And vice-versa. It was an opportunity for us to demonstrate to the Lord that we trusted Him and His perfect timing. Would we wait patiently on Him? And would we worship in the wait? During my daily walks around my neighborhood, I would listen to my Spotify playlist and sing along to those songs of peace and surrender, and the tears would fall. Surrendering when there is great cost is such a sweet aroma before the Lord, and as I sang those songs and cried through them, His sweet, healing presence enveloped me. For me, there is nothing like a good cry with the Lord!

During those weary days, the comfort I received from friends and family were bright spots that made the waiting easier. I continued to receive texts from my faithful warriors checking in on me and reminding me of their prayer support. I was also humbled as friends and family poured out cards, gifts, gift cards, food, flowers, and care packages upon me. I didn’t know I was so loved! I was overwhelmed by the care I received, and through each of these kind gestures, God was nurturing and healing my heart through others. 

He was also nurturing and healing my heart directly. Although my days seemed quite full as they revolved around office visits, meal times, medicine dosages, and rehabilitating my body with daily walks and gentle stretching, the lack of daily responsibilities afforded me the opportunity to do the things I loved! For me, that meant Bible study and prayer. A rare treat, I had extended time to dive deeply into the Word, reveling in the feast before me as I savored each rich morsel! As I slowly chewed on the scriptures and noticed the flavors of the original languages and the connections between prophetic passages and Revelation, my spirit soared! Outside, my body appeared to be wasting away, but inside, I was being renewed day by day! (1 Corinthians 4:16)

I was also able to find great purpose for my life during my recovery, even with my limitations, through intercessory prayer. I had my surgery a week and a half after the Oct. 7 invasion of Israel by Hamas, so my recovery developed alongside Israel’s ground invasion of Gaza. As a devoted intercessor and lover of Israel, I felt privileged to be able to have extended times of unhurried prayer to do spiritual battle alongside the Lord on behalf of His beloved. With my handy Christian news app, I was able to tap in to the Israeli news feeds to stay informed about what was going on in Israel, and though heavy and sad at times, there were also great joys. There were amazing victories and answers to prayer where I saw the hand of God, and beautiful stories of miracles on the battlefield and ways He was moving and intervening in the hearts and lives of young soldiers. In some bizarre way, the violence that had invaded my body felt like a metaphor for the violence done to Israel, and her fight for survival evolved alongside my body’s fight to recover. Being able to participate with the Lord in this way broadened my perspective, so that I wasn’t so focused on myself. Yes, my suffering mattered to the Lord, very much in fact. He had demonstrated that in multiple ways. But I was not the center of the universe. He had bigger Kingdom events coming together, and I was allowed to participate with Him as He unwrapped prophetic fulfillment and prepared to birth His Kingdom. This was exciting and invigorating for me! As times of Bible study and prayer nourished and strengthened me during those days, I enjoyed them so much that I sometimes felt a little guilty for having so much fun while I was “sick!”

That glorious day came when I could finally get my drain removed, and I felt like a new woman! I looked forward to my reconstructive surgery and the final stages of recovery, but what I didn’t know at the time is that cosmetically, my healing had taken an unhappy detour. I had developed capsular contraction that wouldn’t just resolve itself during reconstruction. My plastic surgeon’s expert intervention mitigated the situation, but ultimately as the healing process continued, the outcome was less than I’d hoped. That was a bit of a blow. One night after my reconstructive surgery, when I was particularly struggling with grief over the loss, I couldn’t sleep. As I lay awake processing my grief with the Lord and pouring my heart out before Him, I prayed, “Lord, I so want You to be glorified, and I so want to honor You with how I walk through this, but I’m just really struggling right now, and I need You to comfort me.” I began listening to a podcast on Psalm 119, and that was such a comfort to me. I finally fell asleep at 4:30 in the morning, drifting off as I thanked the Lord for His ways and His character and His glorious Word.

Lemme tell ya, when I asked the Lord for comfort, He outdid Himself! I was awakened at 9:00 am by a phone call from Kerry, who was calling to tell me that a dream of my heart that I had prayed about for years was about to become a reality! My extravagant God was pouring out His tender kindness upon me. It’s a beautiful story that has moved many when I share it, but this blog is too long already, so we’ll save that story for another day. ;)  Suffice it to say, my Lord was about to give me opportunities to enjoy rest, beauty, and healing beyond what I had imagined or hoped.

So there you have it (if you’re still hanging in there with me, lol)! My story, and the story of God’s personal involvement and faithful orchestrating of that story. My prayer warrior friends prayed for miraculous healing, and I did in fact receive that miraculous healing. I suppose for some, it would seem more miraculous or glorious if it had been instantaneous, but in hindsight, though it was a longer process, I see my healing as no less miraculous. In fact, I believe there were other ways the Lord knew I needed healing, and He was going to use cancer as His tool to do that.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t look in the mirror every day and wish things were different, or that I didn’t miss sexual expression with my precious hubby unencumbered by some of the complexities we must now navigate. But pressed to choose, I would choose the richness of today. I am so grateful for the good God has brought from this journey, but I’m also grateful for what I’ve experienced during this season of suffering. Because this battle has prepared me for future battles. It has given me a paradigm for how I can move through suffering, yet still have peace and even joy. 

In Matthew chapter 24, my Commander-in-Chief describes the events that must take place before His return and the birthing of His Kingdom in its fullest expression. Scary stuff. As I look around at the convergence of world events, I can’t help but sense (I speak for myself here, and not for my husband and the ALCS team) that much more suffering for believers is on the horizon. Fixing my eyes on the outcome of those birth pains is what will get me through when that time comes for me. (Hebrews 12:1-3) But I also have hope for the process. Because during this journey with breast cancer, I have lived what it means to be hidden and held. To be swept up in His arms and to sometimes watch events play out almost from an aerial view. Strangely, as I look back, it feels like I won a battle I didn’t even have to fight. I just had to cling to my Lord with every fiber of my being, turn to Him at each step, and then let Him fight for me.

Friend, if you are suffering, I hope that my testimony to the Lord’s character and faithfulness can be an encouragement. Although He is a God to be feared, and it’s His way or the highway, for those who fear Him, trust Him, and seek His face and His kingdom, He is so overwhelmingly faithful, tender and kind, and even extravagantly generous! He is a Good Father, who delights in blessing His children. If you are not experiencing being hidden and held during your suffering, I encourage you to go to Him and talk to Him about that. Just open up your heart, share with Him what you’re feeling, ask Him if there’s things He would like to say to you, and then be still and listen.  He already knows what you’re feeling, but He wants you to talk to Him about it. He longs for connection with you. For intimacy and relationship. He wants you to come to know Him deeper through this difficult journey.

Although there’s value in wrestling with God like Jacob Genesis 32:22-32 (simply because wrestling means we continue to stay engaged with Him in spite of the confusion and pain), the greatest victory comes through surrender and submission, so let me encourage you to come to Him humbly and vulnerably, not blasting Him in your anger, but sharing what’s underneath – the confusion, the grief, the fear. He knows pain quite well Himself, and He understands. Bare your soul before Him, and let it out. Invite Him into the suffering and let Him suffer alongside you … and then anticipate His response to you.

By coming to Him humbly and submissively, we forego much of the agony of the wrestling. We will not find answers to our questions, and it’s not our job to put God on trial. Job did that (Job 38:1-3, 40:1-8). And yet what ultimately brought Job peace, submission (Job 42:1-6), and blessing (Job 42:10) was not answers, but a greater revelation of the God he served, and comfort from His presence. That’s what will bring you and me peace too. Seeing His face, and experiencing His presence.

I see the attack of this disease upon my body as a necessary evil. God did not delight in the grief and pain and loss I experienced, any more than He delighted in the horrific pain His beloved Son experienced when He took on the consequences of my sin and yours in the ultimate act of obedience and submission. Yet the Father knew that the overwhelming weight and pain of His Son’s unimaginable suffering as He went to the cross on our behalf was necessary for a greater good. It was necessary to birth a Kingdom. I believe my pain and yours is necessary to birth the Kingdom too. (Acts 14:22) In His timeless, all-knowing perspective, God sees things that we could never understand. He knew that His son would be resurrected in the ultimate victory over suffering and death, and He knows a resurrection awaits us too! We cannot fathom the glory and the blessings that the Father is eagerly anticipating being able to lavish upon His beloved ones, even as He methodically ticks off milestones on the path that will pave the way for that glorious day.  Eyes have not seen nor ears have heard what He has prepared for those who love Him! (1 Corinthians 2:9)

Your suffering matters, and the way you move through your suffering matters. I invite you to ask the Lord for His help in the process of your suffering, because you cannot do this process well in your own strength. No matter! He is eager to help you! He delights in the victory of His child warriors as step by step, we learn to wield spiritual weapons effectively, and develop Kingdom hearts and warrior grit! He wants to help us become overcomers! He is just waiting for us to ask. Ask Him to help you do this process of suffering well and to accomplish all of His good purposes in this valley of the shadow of death. Invite Him to bring life from death, and to birth His Kingdom in and through you. And then ask Him to bless you big time! In unexpected ways that show He can do exceedingly abundantly above all you can ask or even imagine! (Ephesians 3:20-21) And then watch to see how He will respond and bless! Oh, dear friend, if you only knew how much He longs to bless you and do the unimaginable in and through you! You can trust Him to do it as you surrender to Him and cling tightly to Him with all the strength you’ve got! He will fight for you. And He has already won the battle. It’s just yours to walk out. But as you walk it out, you can be assured that you will be hidden and held!

“Heavenly Father, You know the heart of each person reading this blog post right now. You have walked their journey with them and are intimately acquainted with their tears and their suffering. You long for them to come under Your wings, to wrap Your arms around them and hold them tightly to Your chest, carrying them through the flames. You long for them to let their guard down like a trusting child and open up their heart to You. You long to shine Your light on the broken pieces of that heart, reach down with Your big, strong and tender hands toward it, and then shape it and re-form it. You can be trusted with our innermost, Lord, and I pray that each person reading this would be drawn to You. That they would sense Your warmth and comfort flow gently down upon them like a balm. And that they would invite You into private places of their hearts that need Your restoration. You see it all, so there is nothing hidden, but I pray for a sweetness as they humbly and trustingly offer those private places to You. And as they do, I pray that You would respond powerfully! May they know that it was a direct response to their obedience and surrender, Lord, and may they be encouraged to surrender more and more to You. You know our frame, Lord, and You remember that we are dust. We cannot do this without You. Would You please do a miraculous work in the heart of each reader who reaches out to You? Our Creator and our Re-Creator, as You are exquisitely re-fashioning us in the image of Your Son, our precious Lord and King, would You help us to co-operate with You in that re-creation process? Give new meaning and purpose to our suffering as we allow You to do your life-giving work, as we let the pain press us into You, instead of tensing against it so that it chokes out the life-source that You so earnestly long to pour into us. Satan is a liar, who wants to kill, steal, and destroy. Who wants to confuse and deceive. Who whispers lies about You - that You cannot be trusted, that Your ways are harsh and cruel and outdated, and that we are merely pawns on your chessboard as You go after what is good for You. Oh Lord, I am so grieved by how Your name has been maligned and Your character so misunderstood. We as Your people have done a horrible job representing You. How can we represent You if we don’t even know You? Really. Experientially. Know You. The world does not know You, but I pray that those reading this blog would come to know You. Really. Experientially. Know You. Satan is a liar! He wants to take us down, to intimidate and distract and deceive us so that we suffer, because he knows the suffering that awaits him when You return in Your glorious power! Oh Lord, we long for that day. A day when all is made right and the world functions according to Your order. A day that leads ultimately to that new Jerusalem and eternal light, peace, and joy in Your presence. Lord, may Your name be sanctified, and may You raise up a generation of Kingdom warriors who will prepare the way for Your return. Warriors like David who looked into the face of a giant unafraid and said, “You will not talk about my God like that!” May the readers of this blog (but me first, Lord, please!) come to know You in a way that inspires that kind of faith and fierce loyalty. Because they know Your heart. They know Your power. They know Your righteousness. And they know Your intimate, life-transforming, soul-changing, ever-faithful love. And they are confident and unafraid as they look into the face of the enemy. Raise up those kind of Kingdom warriors. And use our suffering to do it. May You be gloried in us, our Glorious King, our Savior, our Righteous Judge, our Shepherd and Overseer, our Commander, our Victor, our Refuge, our Shelter, our Rock, our Healer, and our Strength. Truly, there is no God like You, and we are privileged to serve You. Thank You for our suffering. And thank You for Your glorious presence and power that hides and holds us as You use it to accomplish things beyond our wildest imagination. We offer ourselves to You because we love You and we trust You.
Amen.”